Meet the Bloopers
by Doctor Wheel
Summary: Do you really expect the mercs got everything right on the first try? Here's a little look at what didn't make the cut in various Team Fortress Videos. Now in fabulous Technicolor!
1. Meet the Heavy

**A/N: Bloopers. Do you expect everything to be right on the first try?**

* * *

Look before you sit

Heavy walks up to the camera and places his gun on the box. He goes to sit but doesn't realize his chair is a few inches behind from where he thinks it is.

The Russian immediately falls on the ground with a thud.

"Aaaaaagh! Stupid chair!"

"CUT!"

* * *

Know thy strength

"I am Heavy Weapons Guy, and thi-"

'SNAP!'

The handle of Heavy's minigun, Sasha, snaps off in his hand.

"Oh NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

"CUT!"

* * *

I am fine

"She weighs one hundred fifty kilograms and fires two hundred dollar, custom-tooled cartridges at ten thousand rounds per minute," Heavy looks at the camera. "It costs four hundred thousand dollars to fire this weapon...for twe- 'COUGH!' 'COUGH!'"

Heavy continues to cough for a couple of seconds before clearing his throat.

"Heavy is fine. Do this again."

* * *

Breaking the silence

Heavy rotates the barrel of Sasha before noticing something.

"Oh my god, who touched Sasha?" he says. "Alright...WHO-"

Suddenly a loud, wet fart is heard. It lasts for a good ten seconds.

"Nice one huh?" Heavy says with a red face. The film crew could be heard laughing in the background.

* * *

My line?

"Some people think they outsmart me..." Heavy looks off into the distance. "Maybe..maybe..."

Heavy continues to stare off into the distance.

"Um you ok?"

"Heavy forgot line. So sorry."

* * *

Check your weapons

"Waaaaaaaah! Uwaaaaaaaah! Cry some more!"

Heavy fires his minigun towards the BLUs and walks towards the camera. As it pans out the minigun stops firing.

"Gah! Sasha is jammed!"

"CUT!"


	2. Meet the Engineer

**_Don't touch that darn thing_**

"I solve practical problems." Engi reaches in a crate and pulls out a bottle of beer. As he does that a Level 1 sentry turns to shoot someone off-screen. However it only makes a clicking noise.

"Ok who forgot to load the sentry?"

"Really?" a technician walks into frame and takes a look at the sentry.

"Um, I don't think you shoul-" Engi started.

Suddenly a bullet shoots out and nails the technician in the balls.

"AAAAAAGGGH! FAAAAAAAAACCCCK!"

"Oh shit, um, can we get medical down here?"

* * *

 **Tongue Tied**

"F'instance...how am I going to stop some big mean mother hubbard from tearing me a structurally surl- wait...how am I going to stop a mean, no, fuck."

Engi clears throat. "Let's try that again. F'instance how am I going to stop some big mean mother hubbard from tearing me a structurally super-gosh darn it." he cleared his throat again and pulled out a copy of the script. "...structurally superfluous new behind..."

* * *

 **Arm's Up!**

"The answer..."

A level 2 Sentry fires and kills a Scout and an unknown enemy.

"...use a gun, and if that don't work..." A level 3 Sentry fires rockets. "...use more gun."

Engi stops playing. A large explosion is heard and the Engineer grins happily.

"My arm!"

A disembodied arm suddenly hits Engi in the head. "What in tarnation?!"

"My bad!" a technician yells off camera.

* * *

 **Close Up**

"Like this heavy caliber, tripod-mounted, little ol' number designed by me..." Engineer kicks the hand, which is shot out of the air by the level 1 Sentry Gun.

"...Built by me..."

The level 1 Sentry Gun shoots another Soldier. The camera returns to Engi and starts zooming on him.

"...and you'd best hope...not pointed at you."

However, the cameraman fell asleep and the camera is now right in Engi's face.

"Why is this camera so close to me?"

"CUT! Steve wake up!"

* * *

 **A/N: If you couldn't tell, Meet the Engineer doesn't have a lot of content so I couldn't really make much bloopers of it. But here it is.**

 **Till next time,**

 **-D.W**


	3. Meet the Spy

**How to Stair**

"Intruder Alert! A RED Spy is in the base!"

"A RED Spy is in the base?!" BLU Soldier said. He grabbed a Shotgun off the wall and ran towards the Intelligence room.

"Hut! Hut! Hut!" he ran down the stairs, but in the process he tripped over his feet and fell down the stairs instead. "Ow! Ow! Ow!" he shouted before crashing into a camera that was at the bottom of the stairs.

"God fucking dammit!" he swore.

"CUT!"

 **Code Breaker**

"Protect the briefcase!" Administrator shouted.

"We need to protect the briefcase!" BLU Soldier shouted as he rounded the corner.

"Yo! A little help?" BLU Scout shouted as he tried to open the door to the Intelligence Room.

"All right, all right, I got it. Stand back son. 1, 1, 1, umm... 1!"

"Let's go, let's go-"

The two stood there in an awkward silence, watching the door.

"Where da hell is lardfat?!"

"Dammit commie!"

"CUT!"

 **Reinforced Door**

"All right, all right, I got it. Stand back son. 1, 1, 1, umm... 1!"

"Let's go, let's go-"

"INCOMING!"

The two looked back and saw BLU Heavy charing straight for them with Sasha in hand. The camera switches to behind Heavy before switching to inside the room, but a large 'WUMF!' is heard instead and the door stays intact.

"Medic..." Scout mumbled.

"MY SPINE!" Soldier shouts a few seconds later.

 **Wrong Folder**

"What are you? President of his fan club?" Scout asked.

"No...that would be your mother!" Spy produces a folder and slaps it down on the table. It reveals several compromising pictures of...some Japanese porno animation?

"Uh, da hell is this?"

"Um...ok this is not the folder. It seems someone gave me the wrong folder."

"Goddamit! Johnson, get your weeaboo shit out of here! And CUT!"

 **What Landing Pad?**

Fade to the BLU Sniper, still alive and sniping from a dusty attic. RED Spy creeps up on him and steps on a creaking floorboard, alerting the Sniper, who engages the Spy with the Kukri. A struggle ensues. Spy deftly dodges and parries Sniper's flailing attacks and counters with fatal strikes; the Sniper is cut across his left cheek, gutted under the right rib cage, cut across the back of his skull, and is ultimately backstabbed.

"GAHHH!" the Australian shouts as he falls.

A Sniper falls out of the camera view, a loud crash is heard.

Spy looks back and over the railing where BLU Sniper fell. "Sniper? Bushman? Are you ok?"

"Roll medics...CUT!"

 **Voice Acting**

"All right, who's ready to go find this Spy?" Soldier asks.

Behind them, the BLU Scout flickers and melts, revealing himself to be the RED Spy. He raises the knife.

"Right behind you."

But instead of saying it in his normal voice, he says it in Scout's voice.

"CUT!"


	4. Meet the Demoman

**A Little Too Much**

"What makes me a good Demoman?"

"If I were a bad Demoman, I wouldn't be sittin' here, discussin' it with you now would I?"

That was supposed to be the scene, but Demoman continues on.

"If I were a shotty Demoman, ah would be sittin' three feet under the bloody ground in a soup can, while me mother yammers on how ah ain't doing enough like me dead ole daddy who has no eyes!"

The director would've called 'CUT!' but then again, it was pretty interesting to watch the man rant.

 **Tripped Up**

Demoman charges out with RED out of their spawn and dodges a cascade of rockets flying behind him.

"Not one of ya's gonna' survive this!"

Suddenly he trips on his own feet and face plants on the ground. Subsequently, a rocket flies right into him and explodes.

"That smarts..."

"CUT!"

 **Live Grenade**

"I got a manky eye. I'm a black, Scottish cyclops." Demoman knocks a grenade off the table, arming it in the process. "They got more f-"

 **'BOOM!'**

The explosion knocks the camera off its stand and is now facing the ceiling.

"Ok, who put a live grenade there? What happened to the prop grenade?!"

 **Timing**

"Prancin' aboot with your heads full of eyeballs! Come and get me I say!" Demoman covers a door frame in sticky bombs. "I'll be waiting on ya with a whiff of the 'ol brimstone. I'm a grim bloody fable... with an unhappy bloody end!"

Heavy notices the sticky bombs around the door frame, and his expression changes from smugness to one of shock. Demoman throws a mock salute and activates the sticky bombs...

..only they don't go off.

"What is going on?" BLU Heavy asked.

"Sorry!" a technician yells from off camera. "Was it left or right on the D-pad?"

"Left!" Demoman yells. "You push left on it! That is all you do!"

"I am pushing left! I think they disappeared or something!"

"They didn't disappear! They're right there!"

 **Too Close**

"Oh, they're going to have to glue you back together... in hell-OW!" Demoman smacks his head straight into the camera as he says the last of his line. "Ah! Me eye!"


	5. Meet the Sniper

**Prop Placement (suggested by Smashgunner)**

"Action!"

Sniper moves to flick the bobble head figurine of the Civilian, but notices it's not there. He looks around confused.

"Um, where's the bobble head?"

"CUT! Dammit Bill you had one job!"

 **It Will Work**

Scene cuts to view inside the Sniper's scope. Sniper headshots the Heavy; the bullet shatters the Bottle of the Demoman behind him, causing the top half of the Bottle to embed itself in his remaining eye. BLU Demoman flails around, takes out his Grenade Launcher, fires three grenades wildly in the air and falls over a ledge, with his stray grenades igniting a cluster of explosive barrels below and causing a chain explosion.

"Ooh." Sniper says as he watches the carnage unfold.

"Well, that wasn't supposed to happen. Meh, who cares?" the director says from off-sceen.

 **Free Falling**

Sniper glances away from his scope to address the camera. "I think his mate saw me."

Suddenly a bullet ricochets off the ledge under Sniper.

"Yes, yes he did!" Sniper takes cover as return fire ricochets off the tower.

However the cameraman, who's been backing up as well, steps off the back of the tower and falls to the ground.

"Oi, you ok mate?" Sniper calls from the top.

 **Wrong Cup**

The scene is a time-lapse of Sniper waiting for a shot. Several jars of urine fill up to his side, as he drinks coffee and waits. At one point the lapse stops and Sniper is seen taking a sip out of a jar my accident.

"Ugh! God fucking bloody hell!" he shouts as he spits out the vile liquid.

"CUT!"

 **Not the Camera**

"Have a plan to kill everyone you meet."

The Sniper fires directly at the camera. The screen blacks out. However, it wasn't because of editing, Sniper did shoot the camera out.

"Oops, I swear I loaded a blank in."


	6. Meet the Medic

**Iz It Plugged In?**

"Now, most heats cannot stand this amount of voltage," Medic said as he brought Heavy's heart up to an experimental Quick-Fix. "But I'm pretty sure yours can."

He held the heart to the Medi-Gun but it didn't explode as it was supposed to.

"Oh excuse me, I've forgot to turn it on, heh, heh-oh dear." Medic turned back and found Heavy dead, he was already dead for the past five minutes. "Um...zhat was not supposed to happen."

* * *

 **Wrong Heart**

"What was noise?" Heavy asked.

"Zhe sound of progress, my friend," Medic said as he slid the remains of Heavy's heart off the Uber device.

He went over to a fridge and opened it. Several hearts, as well as a Sandvich and a few beers were inside there, as well as a BLU Spy's head which was sustained by a battery.

"Kill me." it said.

"Later."

Grabbing the heart labeled 'Mega Baboon', he walked back over to Heavy and placed the Uber device in the heart.

"Where was I? Ah there we go."

Holding the heart up to the red beam, "Come on, come on..."

The heart prompt exploded once again.

"Wait a second, this isn't zhe baboon heart!" he shouted. "Where is zhe BABOON HEART?!"

"WHERE IS ZHE HEART?!" he continued as he threw the uber device at the camera, knocking it down. The rest of what the camera caught was very loud swears uttered in German.

* * *

 **Overload**

"Doctor, are you sure this will work?!" Heavy shouted towards Medic.

"I have no IDEA!" Medic shouted back. He flicked some switches to start the Ubercharge.

Heavy ran out of cover and shouted. "EYYYYAAAAAHHHHHH!"

 **'BOOM!'**

Heavy looked back and saw only the lower half of the Medic standing behind him. The Medi-Gun overloaded and blew the German to kingdom come.

"Oh this is bad!"

"CUT!"

* * *

 **A/N: A short one, like Meet the Engineer, there isn't much things I could get off on Meet the Medic. But nevertheless, here they are.**

 **Till next time,**

 **-D.W**


End file.
